With Love
by smolwarden
Summary: A secret santa fic-swap I did for Christmas 2017. Post-ME2 pre-ME3. Shepard realizes it's Christmas now that the suicide mission is done. She invites Thane to spend her attempt at the holiday with her but it doesn't go as planned.


Soft, melodic holiday music drifted through Shepard's Omnitool and filled her quarters as she hummed along while she gathered her supplies. To say her life had been chaotic up until now would be an understatement; saving an entire galaxy is no easy feat. But here she stood, alive and well with her greatest love next to her as she prepared for her next great adventure: Christmas.

Christmas had always been Shepard's favorite holiday growing up but holidays were pushed to the back over the last few years. After miraculously surviving what her and her team dubbed the "Suicide Mission" Shepard was excited to realize Christmas was right around the corner. She looked over at Thane who was tenderly cradling a steaming mug in his hands and couldn't think of a better way to celebrate.

"What did you say all this was?" Thane asked, brows furrowed in concentration. "I am unfamiliar with customs from other species."

Shepard crossed her room and sat next to him on the couch. She picked up an identical mug from the table in front of them and sipped on it. "This is hot chocolate, you drink it," she said with a wink. Thane smiled at her and patiently waited for her to continue.

"Christmas is a religious holiday practiced by humans for hundreds of years. For me personally the focus was on family rather than religion. Despite the materialistic nature of it, it was always a time for family. Everyone gathers around the tree that you decorated together drinking hot chocolate, listening to music, and opening presents," she looks down with a nostalgic longing in her eyes. "There's so much you can do with Christmas. Such as bake cookies, decorate gingerbread houses, watch movies, or make your own ornaments. Quality time together isn't common in a military family so sometimes I saw my dad more during the holiday season than the rest of the year combined."

Shepard laughed a slow and somber laugh, her mind clearly elsewhere. Thane set his mug down and enveloped her hands in his. "I can see why this is so important to you. Family is," he paused, "precious. Now that my time is running out I've realized things I should have known long ago. You have taught me so much, siha. I may not be able to forget the things I've done, but I can also never forget you and our time together."

Thane reached up with one hand, brushing Shepard's hair from her face and cupping her chin before gently placing a kiss on her lips. She smiled against his mouth before resting her forehead against his and rubbing their noses together.

"We have your hot chocolate," Thane started to speak but was interrupted by a coughing fit. He pulled away and tried to hide his pain but Shepard knew it was getting worse. If it wasn't for his coughing no one would know how sick he was, but each fit was getting longer and left him more breathless than the last. She leaned into him and gingerly rubbed his back in small circles, comforting him as it passed.

"So what's next?" She finished his sentence for him and he nodded, catching his breath.

"Well, I don't exactly have a tree and ornaments like is expected but I brought in a little bush and figured we could decorate that. I made some ornaments with some things I found around the Normandy."

Together they stood and Shepard led Thane to the small shrub on her desk. Now that they were here she couldn't help the laugh that burst from her. It was humorless and Thane could hear the doubt behind it, but still it racked through her forcing her to brace herself against the desk for support. Shepard gasped for breath as her laughter faded before shaking her head.

"Thane what am I doing? This is ridiculous! I keep trying to tell myself that everything is okay now but it's a lie. We may be alive now, safe now, but the Reapers will be back. I know it." She pushed herself off the desk and began pacing, waving her arms in frustration. She was panicking but she was snowballing too fast to be able to stop. Now that she didn't have something to channel all her energy into everything from the few years was catching up to her.

"Even if it takes them years to come back they will and all the other shit going on won't stop. I'm still a Spectre. I'm still responsible for the Normandy, for Tali, and Garrus, and Grunt, and Kaidan, and Mordin and the rest of the god damned galaxy. I can't pretend and decorate a bush! What am I trying so hard for? A fucking bush what was I thinking?"

She started crying, and other than a soft whimper she was silent. She looked at Thane and ran her fingers through her hair, unable to control the steady flow of tears rolling down her cheeks. "God, I'm so stupid. You're living on borrowed time. I just wanted us to have something special, to share my life with yours. I wanted to give you something to take across the sea with you so weren't alone. I wanted to have a memory of you that wasn't full of darkness." She choked out a sob and bowed her head as her shoulders shook with her cries.

Thane rushed across the room and reached out to her, pulling her into his embrace. He held her so close he could feel her heartbeat in her chest, he held her until he couldn't tell where she ended and he began. "Siha. My beautiful, smart, brave, sweet, wonderful siha. You are many things, but stupid is not one of them."

Shepard leaned back and Thane noticed she had finally stopped crying. He brushed the last few lingering tears from her face and gave her a small smile which she returned.

"You're right about one thing, I don't have much time left. Kepral's Syndrome has taken a lot from me but somehow it also gave me you. We already have something special. Every touch, every word, every kiss is a magnificent gift we share. Being here with you, fighting beside you, you have already shared your life with mine." He stroked her cheek with his thumb and she leaned into his hand, giving his palm a short streak of kisses. "I will carry you with me where ever I go. It's okay to be scared. Thank you for doing this for me, but I don't need all this. You are enough."

Shepard threw herself forward into Thane, hungrily catching his mouth with hers. Thane slid his hands down her face and over her shoulders before circling his arms around her waist and pulling her into him again. There was a fire behind her kiss, a fire that had been burning for too long and was now erupting into an overpowering inferno. She was desperate for him, desperate for release, desperate to be something other than Commander Shepard.

Shepard greedily ran her hands over Thane's body and drank him in. She could feel Thane's fingers as they traced circles across her skin, teasing at the hem of her shirt. Teasingly she flicked her tongue across his lips. Thane opened his mouth for her and their teeth clacked together. They separated, panting heavily, and laughed at the juvenile moment. Shepard found it freeing to be able to be so imperfect. She looked up at Thane from under her eyelashes and fell into his gaze. His eyes were the only thing she could get lost in. He looked at her as if she hung the stars in the sky. He was so enamored with her his adoration poured out of him as if he was an overflowing cup. It made her feel vulnerable, and she savored every moment.

"Thane," Shepard reached up and stroked his face before resting her hand on the back of his head. "I love you."

Thane smiled widely and lifted Shepard into the air, swinging her around and covering her face and neck with kisses. Shepard wrapped her legs around Thane's waist and laughed. Thane stood there holding her for a moment, tenderly kissing Shepard's shoulders and neck, tasting and teasing her skin. Shepard looked down at him and smiled coyly before removing her shirt. Once more she took Thane's face in her hands and kissed him deeply as he walked her to the bed they so often share.

Shepard woke the next morning and noticed the bush they left on her desk was now glowing softly and she couldn't help but smile. She reached behind her for Thane and was surprised to feel nothing but sheets behind her.

"Thane?" she called out. When she got no response she called for him again. Still there was no answer. She bolted out of bed, her heart threatening to escape her chest. "Thane?!" she shouted, panic taking over her. Out of the corner of her eye she saw her Omnitool flashing and picked it up. Pictures of Thane appeared one after the other. There was Thane lying behind a sleeping Shepard. Thane drinking hot chocolate. Thane wrapping lights around Shepard's "tree". And finally Thane holding a wooden heart with _J.S + T.K_ carved into it along with a couple of waves.

"Thane?" she called out again, her voice wavering and thick with emotion. Her eyes glassy and bloodshot, were filling up with tears she was not ready to shed.

She shuffled to the desk wary of what she might find there. Upon the desk was the same wooden heart she saw in one of the photos Thane left for her. A small, sad smile tugged at the corners of her lips as she picked it up and traced her fingers over the engraving. Under it was a folded up note with _Siha_ scrawled on top. With cold, shaking hands she picked it up, carefully unfolded it and began to read.

 _My siha,_

 _When I first joined you and your crew I never expected to live long enough to see the mission through. It was my hope to use my body, my weapon, to aid your cause and redeem myself ultimately with my own sacrifice. If I could have been of any use to you I would have readily accepted my fate. But the gods had different plans for me. I went looking for redemption, but instead found you. You redeemed me with your body, with the way you whisper my name, with the way your eyes shine in the battlefield. You were the best surprise, the best gift, and I will cherish you forever. We both knew this moment was coming, I do not have much longer and while I have come a long way with my relationship with my son there is still much work to be done. It is the last of my unfinished business. Siha, thank you for everything you have given me. Thank you for believing in me when even I could not. After losing my wife I never thought I would love again, but once again you surprised me. I hate leaving you like this, but I hope you find comfort knowing this is not a permanent goodbye. Whether it is in this life, or across the sea we will be together again. The memories of you, and the last night we shared, will keep me company while I wait for you on the shore. Take your time, siha, I will always be with you._

 _Merry Christmas with love,_

 _Thane._

The tears Shepard was holding in were flowing freely now, staining Thane's letter as they fell. She sobbed, loud heavy sobs that racked through her entire body, shaking her to her core. She cried out his name, not caring if the whole Normandy herd her. Louder and louder she screamed hoping that Thane would hear her wherever he was by now even though deep down she knew it was futile. Still she screamed until she had no tears left to cry and her voice could barely raise above a whisper. She didn't know how long she sat there on her floor, clutching the letter and his heart to her naked chest while she rocked herself through her grief. When she felt like she could finally stand she tenderly kissed the heart before carefully setting it and the letter back on the desk before going to shower. The time for crying was over. Commander Shepard had a job to do.


End file.
